Oh, the sadness..

It’s getting the best of me today. It was a perfect day. Chilly but not cold. Sunny and warm in the brightness. Perfect day to spend outside or at the zoo or shopping or anything, really. Anything but being stuck inside and depressed.

But, alas, today was obviously not the day to do anything fun or exciting. Why, you ask? Well, let’s go through the list.

1. Monster’s allergies are acting up. I think. He’s been miserable all day long. Runny/stuffy nose, sneezing, itchy eyes and nose, coughing his head off. (Never understood that expression.. anybody know where it came from?) Fingers crossed and prayers prayed that it’s JUST allergies and not another bout of the flu or anything of the like. I have one of those AccuCheck ear monitoring things that checks for fluid in the ears. Both of his scored a level 2 (Monitor) which worries me as well. We have enough trouble with ears to have to worry about ear infections. I started him on Zyrtec for kiddos (half a dose since he’s only 16 months old) this morning so hopefully a dose today and tomorrow might help knock it out of the park.

2. This whole thing with the Matthews clan is taking it’s toll on myself and the Hubby. Everyone seems to be putting so much emphasis on the negative that it’s hard to get past all that and see the positive. At least it’s hard for the Hubby to do. I’m trying my best to swim through the murky waters of his depression and it’s kinda crushing. Depression is something I deal with regularly. (I’ll explain that in a separate post, possibly post it tonight.) But the negative energy emanating from him is overbearing. I step back and wonder if this is how I am when I’m curled up in a ball on the couch. Sheesh. We got an update today that Miss Ellie has a couple of spots of brain damage. One in the vision center of her brain and one in the motor skills area. They aren’t sure how extensive it is yet. And seeing as she is only 3 weeks old and 2 months premature, she has lots and lots of time for her brain to develop and I’m thinking it’s even possible that because of this fact, she might very well recover from most, if not all, of this damage. Chad and Allison are terrified and worried and struggling with the fact that they can barely hold her. Hopefully the seizures have stopped and maybe the doctors will find the infection soon and knock it out of the park. Since they’re only a couple of hours away from us, our plan is to head their way this weekend and maybe grab a bite with them just to give them some support from friends and maybe get their minds off their situation. Fingers crossed that we are able to.

3. Late last night, just before getting to fall asleep, we found out that a dear friend of the Hubby’s (who is now also becoming my friend… I’ve been so worried about this guy for the last few days, it’s unreal..) has a tumor growing in his leg that may very well be cancerous. It has grown so much and so deep that it’s infected his leg bone, causing a “non-contact break.” He’s going to see a surgeon on Monday who specializes in oncology. Oncology is a scary word. He seems to be taking it lightly. Not that he isn’t taking it seriously, he is, but he’s trying not to let it bog him down with worry. At the moment, he’s more concerned about the Matthews clan than he is about himself. Which worries me even more. This guy isn’t very religious.. I’d have to say not at all, actually.. But he walked into a church today.. to pray for the Matthews.. Not himself. He’s not concerned about himself. He figures that he’ll be alright, no matter what. He’s strong.. he’s a fighter.. he’s a GREAT guy.. He’s a helluva lot like my Husband. Which scares the shit outta me cause that means that he’s going to put absolutely everything and everyone else in front of himself. Prayers for him to get great news on Monday are more than appreciated.

4. A good friend of mine text me today to let me know what her doctor said today about her heart condition. She is in the Air Force and has been battling heart problems since she was born. She has never ever let it stop her or bring her down. For the longest time, she worked two and three jobs, barely slept and made sure that everyone in her family has been taken care of. A few months back, her dad was given 6 months to live. Since then, she has had it really rough. She’s worked herself to near death. She has been in and out of the hospital with multiple problems with her heart. Today she was told that she has to have surgery Monday to take out the part of her heart that is giving off extra negative electric something or other (this is how she told me.. I figure that she stopped listening to what they were saying as soon as they said the word “surgery” because she’s real damn tired of hospitals.) and causing her heart to beat at 300 beats a minute. The doctors have no idea how she’s been up and moving lately. They admitted her tonight because her calcium and potassium levels are too low for her to not be monitored. So during our trip this weekend, we’re stopping off at a different hospital in the same city to see my friend. Fingers crossed that all goes well Monday morning.

5. Watching the Hubby deal with this stuff that’s going on with his friends is heartbreaking. He is so depressed and so sad. Today, he got up late (thanks to the no-good alarm clock.. either it goes off for too long and it’s SO loud or it doesn’t go off at all… never good) so he didn’t get started working until late. He came home tonight and had to take something for pain which meant he would soon fall asleep. When he got up, Monster was crying and I was stuck in his room because when baby doesn’t feel good, all he wants is Momma Momma Momma. He went to get pizza and was gone a while. Came back, ate and sat here for a short time while we talked about nothing but the sadness that’s happening around us. We put our Monster to bed and he went to take Nyquil and lay down. He’s been in bed for over an hour now… I’ve literally spent maybe an hour and a half with him today and during that time, it’s been nothing but sadness and depression. He’s talked about how he’s broken down a few times today and just cried. And how he’s had to hold back from crying. He’s checking his phone obsessively because he doesn’t want to miss any updates; good or bad. He couldn’t hardly sleep last night because of worrying. If not for Nyquil, I’m sure tonight would have been no different. What a way to spend the day after you get married. And tomorrow won’t be any better. Tomorrow, he’ll start a job in an area where cell phone service is minimal at best. The job he’s doing is going to be physically taxing to the point that he more than likely won’t hardly be able to move when he gets off. Tomorrow night, Monster and I will be going to eat dinner for my aunt’s birthday and more than likely, he won’t be joining us. Which means that, yet again, I will barely see or talk to him tomorrow. He told me tonight that I should look at it as practice for this Summer. Owning a heating/air conditioning business calls for busy at the beginning then slow toward the end Winters and ridiculously busy all the way through the Summers. Typically, where we live, Summer starts a little earlier. That may or may not be the case this year. But I gotta say, we’re at the end of Winter and it’s not particularly slow. I think that more than anything I’m having issues with the fact that we got married yesterday and there’s no happiness surrounding it. He was worried that there would be negativity because of the situation that’s going on with my ex. But there’s not. I’ve not made mention of doing anything about anything at all. I haven’t called the lawyer. I haven’t met with the lawyer. I haven’t done anything. specifically to keep him from thinking that that’s all that I was worried about getting married early for. But yet, here we are.. and my feelings are pretty hurt that we haven’t even celebrated. It was like yesterday was just another day. He even admitted to, knowing that we were getting married at 2:30, thinking about everything going on all day long.. I don’t know. I know that a lot of things are bigger than me.. and I know that situations are pretty important right now.. but I also know that there’s absolutely nothing that we can do for anyone right now but wait with them, be available if they need to talk, and pray.. so in the midst of all the bad, something good happens, but it’s not allowed to be celebrated. I know that we’re keeping this a secret and that we’re having the actual ceremony in April so that’s when we really need to be happy and excited and thinking about nothing but that on that day.. but damn.. come on.. just for a night, I want us to be happy and celebrate and spend time together. Buh.

So the sadness has continued. And I’m having a tough time not getting stuck under it. I want more than anything to just be happy and positive for a day. I want to take Monster to Build-A-Bear and see him happy. I want the Hubby to enjoy his first few days of being married right along with me. Seems impossible right now. Is this week over yet???

My little night owl still isn’t asleep. Guess this Momma is up for a while longer.. Probably going to write that explanation post.. As for this subject… Until next time…

–Isabella has spoken..–


About isabellaspeaks

I'm 24.. outgoing.. a mom.. engaged.. slightly goofy.. follow my blog and maybe you won't be disappointed..
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