I take it back..

Ya know, when I asked if I could return my day somewhere a couple days ago? Yeah. Give me that day over this one. Please. The anticipation of the possibility of the ex coming to get Monster for the weekend was much better than the reality of it.

I wasn’t sure that he would actually show. But, of course, Friday morning I get a text saying that he will be at my house at 6pm to pick Monster up for his visitation (the sadistic prick…) even though he’s supposed to give me 24 hours notice. He gave me 8 hours. There was so so so much to get done. Friday was my scheduled “Monster Food Shopping Day.” After our visit to the dr for severe diaper rash on Thursday, I figured that Monster deserved a fun day out on Friday with Momma getting fresh fruits and veggies and yummy organic goodies to last us the next (hopefully) few weeks. I honestly didn’t expect the ex to make it into town until either late Friday night or not at all. He has now chosen to rub the poorly written divorce papers in my face ((which is exactly why we’re going back to court to amend the papers)) and makes damn sure that he’s in town every first and third weekend so that he can rip my son from normalcy in his own home with myself and his (very) soon-to-be stepfather.

Unfortunately, because the court system assumes that a 16 month old is impressionable enough that seeing Momma and (step, even though he strictly calls the Fiancee…) Daddy living together and not being married will cause said 16 month old to choose later in life to never marry but instead “live in sin” for the rest of his life. EVEN THOUGH the Fiancee and I are set to marry on April 27th, 2013 and have lived together (for safety’s sake, really) since Christmas Day 2012, I could lose my son if I take the ex to court previous to marrying the Fiancee. Therefore, Tuesday will be D-Day. 😉 ((Believe me, smack dab in the middle of all of this negativity, the absolute best day will be March 5th.. It is THE most positive thing to come out of this whole situation.. getting to marry the love of my life slightly early.. I’m pretty frickin’ stoked!)) Still having our wedding ceremony in April. We are keeping this whole early marriage thing a secret. Those of you who read and follow will know, my maid of honor, my sister, my mom, his parents, his best man, and the guy who’s officiating our wedding in April will literally be the only ones who know that we’ll already be married by the 27th. Anyway, I’ll stop chasing rabbits now..

After reading that text Friday morning, I immediately started making phone calls. I called my lawyer to see what I could do. Nothing. My hands are completely tied until I get this idiot into court again. I called the pediatrician to make sure that the ex couldn’t just call and get information about my son over the phone. He is literally only listed on any papers at the doctor’s office because of insurance. (I plead insanity when it comes to ever marrying this kid in the first place… really.. and you will all understand after a few more blogs about this imbecile.) Monster went to the doctor on Thursday to get something that would knock this diaper rash out of the park after the Fiancee and I have spent… I really don’t want to think about how much, actually.. on diaper rash creams and washes. We finally got it under control a couple of weeks ago and it was almost gone. Then he went and stayed the night with the ex… needless to say, we ended up in the doctor’s office because neglecting it for two days and a night caused it to turn into a yeast infection, therefore, no diaper rash cream in existence would cure it. Little did I know, over-the-counter women’s products could have helped. (First-time mom, unsure of what to do.. hell, I Googled diaper rash remedies and was centimeters away from slathering his bum in Crisco. Don’t laugh. Apparently, it works.) In the doctor’s office, he was running a slight temperature. He’s getting in a tooth (the reason for his random nightly wake-ups..) so the doctor assumes that’s the cause. Even with fever, no matter how high, I am required by state law to force my child to leave me, the one constant in his life, and stay the weekend with his neglectful father. If any reference is needed to support my claim that he is, in fact, neglectful, please feel free to view the post before this one and notice where I talk about what he’s allowed his parents to do with Monster as well as the part about him taking off 5 hours early from his visitation the last time and not returning my son to me. Plus the flea bites, the fleas I have found crawling on him before, the screaming at Monster if he has in his hearing aids and even if he doesn’t, the fact that while we were married I walked out of the room to (God forbid) use the restroom and was gone for maybe 1 minute only to come back and find Monster sitting in the floor screaming with huge tears running down his face and the shadow of a fast appearing bruise on his forehead all while the ex is sitting on the couch on his phone and yelling at Monster to shut up.. that he’s okay.. I’m going to have to change the rating on my blog if there’s many more posts about him because I can’t really guarantee that I’m not going to release a host of four (or more) letter words that aren’t appropriate for anyone under 18 (or 21… or 30..) There’s those damn rabbits again..

Friday afternoon, I call a pharmacist to find out how long this steroid that has to be applied 4 times daily will take to show any improvement and I explain why I’m asking. She assures me that when I get my son back on Sunday that there should be MARKED improvement if not complete healing. She reminded me to take pictures before I left (of course I did.. I took pictures of his entire body so that I have something to compare it to) and advised me to have a strong drink or ten that night and the next. I laughed then. Yet here it is, now Sunday morning, 3:36am CST and I cannot sleep. I want to grab a bottle of something strong, sit in my son’s room, drown my sorrows, and weep.

Monster and I ran to Target to stock up on all things organic (because the ex knows nothing about organic foods or even healthy foods. Monster is on a strictly organic diet. No screwing up his digestive system.) and to get a few new toys because the ex has nothing for him to play with. (He should be up for Dad of the Year. Be sure to cast your vote for anyone but him.) We barely made it home in time to get him packed. In fact, the ex sat waiting in my driveway for 5 minutes until I got it all ready. I still feel like I forgot something. But I made sure to pack the essentials.. steroid cream, diapers, wipes, powder, clothes, (warm ones, at that, since it’s in the 30’s and they have NO central heat in their house that should be condemned…) hearing aids, extra batteries, food, toys, toothbrush and toothpaste, Eeyore pillow pet, his great granddad’s giraffe that he gave me while I was pregnant ((Sidenote: My grandfather was the best man I have ever ever ever known.. He was father, for all intents and purposes. When my sperm donor *biological dad* walked out of my life, my Daddy stepped up. He was my everything. Unfortunately, he ended up having Alzheimer’s and was slowly taken away from me. By the time I found out that I was pregnant with Monster, he was pretty far gone. Barely knew me. But every great once in a while, he would be perfectly clear. I went to see him for Father’s Day at the nursing home and I told him that I was pregnant. That day was perfect for him. He knew absolutely everything I said to him. He understood. He put his hand on my belly and told me that I was going to be the best mom in the world. That no matter what, this baby is destined to be great. He cried as he realized that he would never know his great grandchild. He reminded me that he loved me and he gave me this giraffe that played a lullaby.. I had never seen him with this before. It was simply a baby toy. But he held it and he hugged it and he told me how much he loved it. He told me that he had nothing else to give but that giraffe and all his love. I told him that was more than enough. Shortly before I left that day, he told me goodbye. Now, Dad was never one to say goodbye.. he said that it was too final. If you said goodbye to him, he scolded you. It was always, “See you later.” That day was different. That day it was a tearful, “Goodbye, Babygirl. Don’t you ever forget that your Daddy loves you with his whole heart. Til kingdom come.” That day was final. It was the last time I saw him alive. I had already found out that Monster was going to be a girl. On June 30th, 2011 my Daddy went to Heaven. And 2 weeks later, I found out that my Monster was a boy. He is now named after my amazing Dad because a part of me feels like my Monster is a big ole chunk of my Daddy to hold in my arms and love every day. Drying my eyes now..)) and his Build-A-Bear husky that his (step) Daddy stuffed just for him. Oh.. and 2 jackets packed in his bag and 1 on him so that it cannot be mistaken that the boy doesn’t have a jacket again (since that was ex smother-in-law’s excuse for not having him in one the last time.. even though I packed one.. there’s the bitchy-ness.. what kid really needs 3 jackets?) The Fiancee and I told our Monster that we would see him later, hugged him tight, gave him kisses and walked out the door with him and his bags to have to let him go, once again.

So here I sit.. it’s now 4am.. I’m finally 14 hours away from getting my baby back home, safe and sound, with me.. and I just want to cry. I cried all day yesterday throughout phone calls, in Target.. I’ve cried off and on today.. I’ve missed him so much that it hurts. I can’t shake the feeling that something is wrong.. I think I’m really just expecting it. If the ex knew any amount of sign language, I would probably feel better.. but he knows nothing.. at all.. and that’s all that Monster knows. We haven’t started with the speech therapist yet, so he hasn’t really learned to talk.. but he knows how to communicate. He knows ASL.. I know ASL, I know what he’s saying.. The Fiancee knows ASL and knows what he’s saying.. I don’t understand how it’s possible for the ex to be able to have Monster like this with no way to communicate. There’s something else for court. If he’s going to stay with the ex then I feel like the ex should have to show me proof that he can actually communicate with Monster. I don’t think that it’s right to have my baby in a strange place with people who can’t talk to him and he can’t talk to. What if he’s scared? What if he needs something or wants something and nobody knows what he’s signing? He needs his Momma and his true Daddy. He needs to be home. And I need to go to bed before I worry myself to death or decide to do something stupid like driving out to the country to get my kid and bring him home where he belongs. God, I can’t wait until he comes home.

Until next time….

–Isabella has spoken….–


About isabellaspeaks

I'm 24.. outgoing.. a mom.. engaged.. slightly goofy.. follow my blog and maybe you won't be disappointed..
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